


Uchiha Family Outtakes

by Makigaki



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Greek Mythology, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Child Neglect, Crack Crossover, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, Lesbian Character, M/M, Magically Transferred STDs, Multi, Sexual Humor, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 09:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 12,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14931704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makigaki/pseuds/Makigaki
Summary: A multitude of stories involving the Uchiha, ranging from silly to serious. Come one, come all, join us in the insanity of the Uchiha and their hack eyes! Foul language.





	1. The Real Reason

Shisui was having a Very Bad Day. Who knew drowning yourself could get you on the bad side of all of your other, also Very Dead relatives? It was all for the Wrong Reasons, too. 

"Drowning! For the  _Village!_ What do they teach kids these days? If you're going to die,  _die_  for the clan, damn it!" 

Well, it seems he's on his first cousin thrice removed's blacklist, otherwise known as Izuna.

"Kyoto! I thought I taught you better! What kind of bull crap did you feed my granchild?! Us Uchiha are supposed to die with FIRE, NOT WATER! I am never going to be able to face mother after this!" 

That was Shisui's Very Dead grandfather, Kagami, whom Shisui used to admire, whining and screaming. 

 "Don't yell at me! I died when I was eight! I didn't feed your grandkid anything! Though really, why for the Village? I mean, I can't  _really_  relate, you know, the whole  _dying_  before it was a thing, thing." 

Yes, Shisui did understand the confusion, dying when you're eight tends to mess with you.

 "No, no! Not you!  _We're_  twins! I  _know_  we're on the same page! I was talking about my  _son_ , Kyoto!"

Jeeze. His family really needed to stop using dead family members's names for their children. 

 "Thanks a lot,  _dad_. I think you can face grandma again,  _she_  was the one who fed him the most bull shit! Hell, she fed it to me too!"

 Ah yes, Shisui's father. A likeable man, in his opinion. And  _Hey, did he just diss Shisui's great grandmother? The really cool one? Unforgivable!_

 " _*GASP*_ Did you just–? My  _mother?_  She was the best! You can't blame her for your mistakes! She raised you, didn't she? Show some respect!"

 " _Yes_ , I ca– Actually, no. I'm sorry. I love all of you. Please forgive me."

 "NO! You just called our sister a nutcase! I mean,  _yeah_ , she did kill mum, but it was for all the Right Reasons, I swear!" 

 Oh dear. This was the part of Shisui's family that was made up almost entirely of twins. Damn, his great grandmother had to raise eight of them. Wait no, ten twins, and one singular child! Now Shisui was starting to think his great grandmother really  _was_  a nutcase. Kill your mother, for all the Right Reasons?  _Oh wait.._.. Is that Mikoto he sees in the distance? Itachi, what did you do?!

 "Aren't you all getting off topic here?"

 Oh, dear lord, a blessing! Shisui turned to see who had come to his rescue.  _No, not a blessing!_  It was the Big Bad of the Uchiha himself, Ryuu! 

 "Nobody likes you, go die,  _father!_ "

 And that would be Shisui's second cousins twice removed, Fugaku and Makoto. Damn. The names!

 "Yes, go die. Though I am also wondering, why did you slip off a cliff on purpose? Into the water no less. Kazuokei, why are your spawns so difficult?"

 Tokoji, the renowned, Great Person of the Fam. Who the hell was Kazuokei?

 "Well, Tokoji, my great great grandchild is much like my daughter. History repeats itself, does it not?"

 So  _that's_  great grandmother Kyodai's father. Wow, Shisui is glad his hair isn't that curly.  

"Control your vocal cords. Why is there a Village anyways? Killing Senju at will was  _so_  much fun. And you, Shisui, have a  _hilarious_  sense of humor. Named Death Water, so you chose to literally,  _die_   _by_   _water_."

Shisui honestly had no idea who the woman with natural grey hair was, but  _someone_  finally understood! Shisui was the  _Funny Guy_. 

"Mother. While, I too, am convinced that is the reason, I am sure he doesn't want to hear you go in depth on how to enjoy every last second of dismembering Senju. Shisui-chan, would you like to meet your great great grandmother and grandfather?"

 There she was. The giant of the Uchiha. At 205 centimeters, Shisui's great grandmother Kyodai made grandpa Kagami look like a twerp. Also the only person to call Shisui, 'chan'. So the natural grey haired lady was his great great grandmother? The one Kyodai murdered? Nice. 

 "Yes. I would! Thanks!"

 Oooh. That was embarrassing. Ever since he was young, whenever Shisui saw Kyodai, his brain turned to mush at just how  _cool_  she was. Honestly, she was an epic grandma. 

 "Oh, and Kagami? Fire is nice and all, but I think your grandson inherited my water nature. And, yes, I named him, not Kyoto jr. I have a habit of,  _seeing_   _things_. Although, I'd you don't mind me saying, has death changed you? You would have never yelled at your family. It's,  _disrespectful_." 

 " Y-yes, ma'am. " 

Holy shit. If Shisui was going to spend eternity with the rest of his Very Dead family, he was  _screwed_. Why,  _oh_   _why_ , did he want to make ending his life his final joke? Shisui's, the  _Funny Guy's,_ Very Bad Day was only going to get worse for the rest of eternity. Itachi, how long are you going to take to  _die_  already!?


	2. Obito is a Very Sad Boy

Uchiha Obito was just a child. That didn't mean he couldn't understand what people, his  _family_ , whispered behind his back.  _Too emotional. Too sensitive. Looks just like Madara. His mother, what a disgrace! Not worthy of the Uchiha name. That boy's mother, a bastard child, did you know? Half Senju! He is not worth our indulgence. He has nothing to offer. Loser! Stupid! Worthless byproduct of a bitch! His father could have done so much better. Honestly, I'm a little ashamed to be related. Why does he cry so much? He has no proper etiquette! He will_ never  _get anywhere in life._

Obito was sensitive, being a toddler living by himself. Anything could make him cry. Sometimes he would cry himself to sleep and wonder just  _what_  had he done to deserve his clan's hate? What could he do to make it better? Why didn't anyone love him? What  _was_  love? Why was he being punished? Sometimes he thought things would be better if he was dead, or had never been born. It made him really sad. It made him cry a lot. He couldn't help it.

Once, a truly horrifyingly calming thought crept into his head,  _These people aren't my real family. Just actors from a different world. My real family_ loves _me._  This idea was quickly shot down.  _No, that's dumb, Obito. Don't be an idiot._ They'd _laugh at you if they knew! What is love, anyways?_

Obito knows how to love. He just doesn't know what it is to  _be_  loved. Is it any different? Obito, despite how hard he tried not to,  _loved_  the Uchiha clan. No matter how many ice baths, belt whips, spankings with a wooden plank, ear twisting, or impromptu camp outs they forced upon him as an extremely ineffective attempt to teach him  _something_ , Obito wasn't sure  _what_ , he still loved them. They were family, and family  _mattered_.  _Period_. 


	3. Family Reunion

Tobirama honestly didn't know what to expect when Hashirama dragged him to the Uchiha Family Reunion. Whatever it was, it wasn't this. There were cats _everywhere_. Dozens of drunkards playing strip poker _in front of the children!_  Izuna, Tobirama swore he killed him _years_  ago, was nagging his brother, yes, the same one who had just _left_ _the_ _Village_ , for some pocky. And do what with it, he didn't want to know. 

Dead children, who Tobirama had killed when he himself had been a child, were popping up out of _nowhere_ , and nobody took notice. Honestly, when the Uchiha said family reunion, they _meant_ _family_ _reunion_. There were hundreds, maybe _thousands_ of people, many of which Tobirama suspected hadn't even been _born_ yet. 

One flamboyant individual, who appeared to be from the dead crowd, kept muttering nothings to himself, _See Ashura? My family has_ so much _more love. Love, love, love! I hate you so much! You didn't kill me, but you_ destroyed _my mascara! I will never forgive you!_ Tobirama really,  _really_ didn't want to know.   

Tobirama heard various names being thrown around, and _Sage_ , the Uchiha were really unoriginal, weren't they? One name got,  _at_ _least_ , 20 heads turned. 

 "Tobirama? Hashirama? What are the two of you doing here? In case you didn't catch on, this is a _family_ reunion."

That was, that was..... One of Kyodai's brothers. Either Kishou or Kichou. Oh hell, it could even be Mako or Mūko, for all he knew. It was about time Hashirama got busted for his bull shit. 

" Ah, come on! We're distantly related, are we not? "

"Perhaps, but no one knows for sure. I doubt you'll have much fun here. I'm told us Uchiha practically talk in code around family. And.... Things tend to.... How do I put this... Get...... Wild...? Too much for you Senju and your delicate constitutions, I'm sure."

"It's alright! I'm the Hokage, I can handle it!"

Obviously Hashirama did _not_ get the memo. 

 "Obviously you did _not_ get the memo. I believe, in crude terms, Keiji was telling you to _scram_."

And that would be Kyodai, Eternal Governess indeed. Tobirama, no matter how afraid of her he was, was gladdened by her appearance. They were usually on the same page. After seeing a group of small children _streaking_ and chasing each other with _fire_ , Tobirama was very ready to _scram_. _Damn_ , the brother wasn't Kishou, Kichou, Mako, _or_ Mūko! 

 Hashirama slouched in depression. "But I thought—"

 "Well you thought wrong. This is an Uchiha _only_ event, I'm afraid. So, as it was _so aptly put_ by Aneue, _scram_."

Kyodai and her immediate family were _absolutely_ immune to Hashirama's bull shit. Tobirama was glad that he had made them police. Wait. Wasn't this totally breaking the timeline? 


	4. In Which Obito is Everyone's Bitch

As a child, Obito was the entire Uchiha clan's bitch. Then, the Uchiha and every elderly person in Konoha. He totally ditched them for Ye Old Team Seven, and became Rin, Kakashi, and Minato's bitch. Then he died and became Madara's bitch for like, twenty years. But, this time, _this_ _time_ , Obito was aware he was a bitch. So he had Kakashi rip his heart out. Literally. There was a big ol' hole in his chest. Obito just tanked it though, I mean, doesn't matter to him if the heart is your most vital organ, right? I'm not so sure about the correct timeline for the next people/trees he was a bitch for, but let's just go for it! Obito became melanin's bitch, whoa, did you _see_ his hair? While Madara was wishing Obito was still his bitch, Obito had _moved_ _on_. To the Juubi. I think it was tearing his body apart, but Obi's all, _Nah, I ain't a screamer, just a yeller. Why is a photo of Ye Old Team Seven a representation of my soul?_ Was that how it went? But Naruto and Sasuke plus like, a hundred fodder ninja, ripped the Juubi out, and Obito is falling 'cause he became Naruto's bitch for a moment there. Or something. Maybe it was the flashbacks and he just _really_ _missed_ being the bitch of Konoha. I dunno. Kakashi was totally prepared to make Obito his bitch again, but Minato, _plot_ _twist!_ , made Kakashi his bitch last second. Then he's all, _No, it's not worth it Kakashi. Bitches should get along_. Kakashi agreed because, Obito basically has plot armour. Sort of. Black Zetsu come crawling in like a creep, and made Obito his bitch. Ya know, I think I totally understand why Obito was not having a good time. To live in a world where he wasn't someone's bitch? Awesome! But Obito is an overpowered biatch, _yes,_ _biatch, it shows how he upgraded_ , so he was out in a minute. Maybe. I dunno, I got _really_ tired of all the bull shit. Obito, who had been a bitch to his clan's 'Curse of Hatred', _hey, whatever happened to the Hyuuga curse,_ was now a bitch to the 'Will of Fire'. And now I _really_ don't know the timeline. Oops...? Something like, Sakura's bitch, Gravity's bitch, Kaguya's bitch, Death's bitch, but wait, Obito got his last level up and made _Death_ his bitch, all so he could stay Rin's bitch for the rest of eternity without interruptions. Damn. What a guy. What a _bitch_. 

 


	5. When Your Eyes Don't Work like they Used to Before

You rip out the eyes of your beloved little brother.  Problem solved! 


	6. Liar- Masked

Obito had always been a great actor. Sure, he was extremely sensitive, crying at every little thing, but he knew how to lie. People saw him as a smiling fool with too much pride. This was barely true. People saw pride, but it was really just controlled anger. They saw foolishness when it was burning ambition.

Obito was such a liar. He felt hollow when he realized nobody knew the real him. Not even he knew. Except Rin. She didn't see through his lies, but she knew of them, and she _accepted_ them as a part of him. She was like the sun, and he a plant.

His clan, with their eyes they so exalted, could not see the real him. Funny, that they can see through illusions but not Obito's lies. Obito still wished to have those eyes. Perhaps, with them, he could find his real self. When he finally obtained them, he was not thinking of himself. He was protecting his lost friend, Kakashi.

Obito protects his friend, _family_ , once more. He is crushed under a boulder. Rin is crying, Kakashi is tearing up, and all Obito can think of is, _who are they crying for? Their Obito? Or_ me _?_

For the first time, Obito thinks of how they did not know him. Kakashi's disdain towards him made sense. He was a loser, someone who complained when he had a family. Obito realized that none of his teammates knew that he was an orphan. It was..... sort of sad.

Obito was so caught up in his act, that he had absolutely convinced them of his lies. He knew what made him such a great actor. He was _genuine_. To lie or pretend, Obito had to put his whole self into it, until even he couldn't tell the difference anymore. He had to be genuine. Obito was bad with words and emotions, so he capitalized on body language and suggestions.

He knows why he was good as well. It had always been a fight for Obito. When he had first started telling lies as a child, people believed him. He started telling lies because no one believed the truth. This way, at least, Obito could convince himself that it wasn't _him_ they were really mad at. It still made him cry. After all, they were still mad and wouldn't believe the truth. It made him feel helpless.

So he shielded himself behind his lies like an ornate mask that hid him from reality. He always kept it on. He didn't know what he looked like on the inside anymore. Now, as he is crushed under a boulder, he sees his teammates worry and finds it silly.

He has his eyes, and he would be able to see the future! Through Kakashi, sure, but that would be no different than wearing and hiding behind his lies. _Why do they look so devastated?_ Obito realizes they think he is in extreme pain. After all, his entire right side is crushed and he is bleeding out.

"It's alright. My right side is completely crushed. I can't even feel a thing." _Liar_.

Obito had always been a great actor. He never liked that part of him. Could never accept it. That made Rin all the more special. Kakashi too. Rin was friends with every part of him, leaving none unattended. Kakashi was a rival, an antagonistic force, to every single part of him. Obito had never liked himself, whoever that was, but he was glad that he knew people who didn't care about technicalities. Yes, Obito was glad to be able to see the future through Kakashi. He was far better than any act.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just made one of my oneshots on Wattpad into a single chapter. Oof.


	7. Sasuke and Hinata- Life is Bittersweet, Make the Most of It

It's a little known fact that Hyuuga Hinata and Uchiha Sasuke used to be friends. In their early Academy days, Hinata and Sasuke were occasionally paired together in class projects. They worked well together. Sometimes they faced each other in Taijutsu class. Hinata always kicked his ass.

After the Uchiha Massacre, they ate lunch together for the peacefulness. They sometimes studied together. Always quietly. They weren't each other's favorite person, but they were friends.

Now, after the war, Sasuke sees Hinata. Sasuke is missing an arm and a whole lot of happiness, and when looks at Hinata he doesn't see his old friend. She is beautiful, no doubt, but it is disturbing. She looks like Kaguya. The alien who tried to take over the world. Her nose, her eyes, her lips, her chin, her jaw, her cheeks, even her forehead looks like Kaguya.

Sasuke doesn't like what he sees. Then, he sees her smile. Sad at first, just like Kaguya's, but becomes happy. Sasuke sees his friend again. When he sees who she is smiling at, he wonders if they were ever friends. He realized that he didn't know her. Didn't care to know her.

He sees now, they might have been friends, long, long ago, but they are strangers. The person both of them have become is not the same one they befriended as a child. He doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing. Sasuke looks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another oneshot that I deigned to have moved. I do not own the Naruto series.


	8. Bounty

Sakumo was about ready to drop right then and there. Traveling with Tobirama and Orochimaru was extremely tiring. Sure, they were two of the best Bounty Hunters you could ask for, but _they_ _were_ _always bickering_. Every topic completely flew over Sakumo's head. Something about the need for ethics in extremist science. Maybe. The point is, when they came across some dingy little town in the middle of nowhere, Sakumo almost shouted for joy. But shouting would have been embarrassing and might've scared any natives. So he settled for jumping with joy. Granted, it still got him some odd looks, but Sakumo figured it was because he was a foreigner. Probably. His new, not-so-conventional teammates's appearances _were_ rather startling.

Since Sakumo was eager to get away from the two nerds, he put them on scouting duty. Sort of. He just made looking for a hotel or a place to stay seem really, _really_ interesting. What? Sakumo had experience with children. How do you think he made his son _do_ anything? What a stubborn brat. Sakumo told them that he was going to, _''restock on supplies'',_ aka, _grocery shopping_. The cashier was all very lovely, Sakumo supposed, but his back was _killing_ _him_. No, Sakumo was _not_ old, no matter _what_ Kakashi would tell you, but supervising Tobirama and Orochimaru in their "scientific" escapades was an absolute _chore_. At this rate, Sakumo didn't think he could make it to the hotel without collapsing. A young voice, scratchy and deep, broke him away from his self-pity.

"Ojii-san, do you need some help? Those bags look heavy for an old timer with back problems like you. I could carry them for you, if you want?" _Oh Sage, a young do-gooder! A grandma's boy! What luck! Wait. Did he just call me an old timer with back problems? I know I have grey hair, but it's natural! Surely I don't look_ that _old?! That insole-,_

"Y-yes! I would appreciate your help so very much, Sage bless your little heart." The boy, now that Sakumo looked at him, seemed stunned, like no one had ever said a nice thing to or about him. Seeing his ratty clothes and dirty hair, Sakumo supposed that wasn't too far from the truth. An orphan.

"A-alright then, Ojii-san. Where to?" Oh yes, of course he didn't know.

"Ah. Um. Just, just follow me." The black haired child looked reluctant. Smart kid.

"Whatever you say..." During the walk towards the hotel, or wherever Tobirama and Orochimaru were giving off energy, Sakumo noticed two things. One, everyone looked related. Two, everyone they passed whispered. At first, Sakumo thought it was about him, seeing as he was an outsider. But when he listened closely, he could hear their words, things like, _that child, what a nuisance, I bet he's bothering that poor old man,_ Sakumo took offense to that, _bullying him into walking with him, what a mannerless child, I swear, if he didn't look so like Madara, I'd think his bitch of a mother had sired a bastard child,_ _He does look like him, doesn't he? Maybe he really is a bastard child_. These people _definitely_ didn't like the poor kid.

"Hey, kiddo, what's your name?" No point in not making small talk, was there?

"That's rude." Sakumo had certainly not expected the child with horrible fashion sense to call him out on _being_ _rude_.

"Ah, what is? Rude, that is." The little brat stared at Sakumo as if he was the _dumbest_ _thing_ , yes, _thing_ , he had ever encountered. Gee, this kid was really starting to get on his nerves-

"Not introducing yourself first." Wow. He did know some courtesy. Just terrible at implementing it politely.

"Oh, how forgetful of me. I'm Hatake Sakumo, and you are?" The boy nodded, seemingly satisfied with the response.

"Nice to meet you, Hatake-jii-san. I'm Uchiha Obito." Obito, as in neck? Wasn't his dad's name Madara? As in, insane, psychotic pyromaniac Madara? Oh boy. And, _Uchiha_? As in, the huge clan with Uchiha Mikoto, the woman he was tracking, Uchiha? Suddenly Sakumo really, _really_ didn't feel good. Mikoto was an outlaw with a rather large sum over her head, big enough to drag Sakumo away from his son and back into the bounty business. Which he didn't want to do, just to be clear, but being abducted by some freaky ass snake pedo and his red eyed expert accomplice really didn't leave him with much of a choice, not that he had one to begin with.

"Ojii-san, are you alright? You seem scared. Or shocked. Maybe both. Was it something I said?" Sakumo considered a white lie, but remembered the Uchiha were well known for reading others like a books. Expect this kid didn't seem to be that good at it.... Maybe he was only a Seer?

"I'm fine. Just remembering my curfew and freaky squad mates."

"You're lying." Shit, shit, shit, shit-

"That's okay. You don't have to tell me. A lot of people don't like us. Visitors mostly stopped coming here when I was about five. You must've been lost or desperate. Probably both. I'm fine with that. To be honest..... I don't like it either." The boy, Obito, whispered the last part. Five... He must only be what, eight? It fits. Three years ago was when Mikoto, Fugaku, and a large bunch of other Uchiha revolted against the capital.

"I don't want to know what others feel, it's like I'm intruding. Or sometimes I would rather pretend to not know. You noticed, didn't you? They don't like me. None of them do. I can tell. What makes it worse is that they _know_ I know. And they don't even care." Now Sakumo felt really, really bad. This kid knew nobody liked him. He could _feel_ it. The Uchiha were Empaths and Seers. Sakumo himself was a Lycanthrope. Orochimaru was some sort of Naga or Tsuchinoko. Possibly. Perhaps a Rokurokubi? Tobirama was definitely either a Selkie or Naiad. Logic be damned, as Naiads were exclusively female, but, _then_ _again,_ Tobirama was certainly bitchy enough for it. Yeah. Naiad.

"But..... I love them. They're my family. And.... They know I love them. They just don't care." Sakumo's fragile, fragile heart just about broke right there. How would he feel if his son, about Obito's age, told him somebody he loved hated him for no reason? He would feel very, very angry, that's how. Wait, couldn't Obito-

"M-mister? W-why are you a-angry?" Obito clung to the handles of the grocery bags as if they were life-supports, curling into himself like a pill bug, tears creeping into his eyes. Sakumo's heart really did break this time. _Let_ _go, let_ go _of it-_ Sakumo sighed, ran a hand through his hair, maybe he should cut it, and looked down at the boy. Sighing again, Sakumo ruffled Obito's unruly hair affectionately and smiled. He didn't have to be an Empath to know Obito was shell shocked.

"Nothing you did kiddo. Well, here we are. This my stop." Sakumo knew he had to do something but he didn't know what. Maybe he could bring it up to Tobirama and Orochimaru. "Thanks for the lift. You really helped me out there. See you tomorrow, little helper?" Obito blinked, still shocked. Then Sakumo saw the most _beautiful_ thing _ever_. Obito's face practically split in two with how wide his smile was. He literally, okay, _figuratively_ , whatever, _exuberated_ brightness.

"Sure thing, Ojii-san!" Yeah, Sakumo was definitely bringing this up to Tobirama and Orochimaru. Definitely.

 

 

"You're saying you want to adopt this kid? And we stopped at Uchiha Village!? Sakumo, the only logical explanation for this situation is that it's your fault!" _I'm pretty sure that he's just being childish now.... I never said I wanted to_ adopt _him exactly, but... that doesn't sound_ too _bad..... Kakashi_ needs _a friend, the antisocial brat..._

"Oh hush, Tobirama. I think it's a great idea! The boy certainly seems nice! You just don't like the Uchiha." Oh dear. Sakumo knew a fight was eminent. Tobirama huffed and crossed his arms, looking away with a pout. Orochimaru smirked creepily.

"And you call yourself a person in pursuit of knowledge. How can you make discoveries if you blind yourself with prejudice? Oh Tobirama, you know what this means? I'll surpass you and become the better scientist!" Tobirama looked disturbed and gravely offended, as if someone told him his mother was a whore to his face. Knowing Tobirama, after hearing Orochimaru call himself the better scientist, it was a fair comparison.

"You _dare?_ That's it! Sakumo, you are adopting that child this instant!" Well. He's no longer against it? Is that a good thing? Sakumo wasn't sure.

"Um. How long of an instant? Obito is very attached to the Uchiha, and he barely knows me. He'd never agree." Tobirama and Orochimaru shared a devious look. No, they couldn't -

"No! You are _not_ _abducting_ him! I swear, the two of you, you- you're insane!" They both laughed evilly. It had to be a mad scientist thing, there was no way they could sound that alike-

"Oh Sakumo, so naïve! Of course we're going to abduct him!" Sakumo noticed that neither of them were disturbed by abducting a minor. Idiots.

"Idiots! Obito is an Empath! He'd feel your intent before you could even get a hand on him! He's probably also a Seer, you can't surprise him!" Tobirama and Orochimaru gave him a look nearly identical to Obito's, the one that made Sakumo feel dumb.

"We're professional Bounty Hunters. A little kid can't escape from us. Besides, if he does feel our intent, what can he do? Also, Uchiha only obtain the ability to see the future after a traumatic event of emotional distress. He's lonely, but I don't think that's enough to awaken his Sharingan. Did you know they can also copy and mirror other people perfectly with it?" No, Sakumo hadn't known that, thank you, Tobirama, for your enlightenment.

"See? It'll be fine. First, we pack up, pick up the kid, and then we _run for the hills._ " What a _lovely_ plan, Orochimaru.

"If you guys get sent to jail for creeping on a child, _I_ _don't know you_. Got it?" Tobirama and Orochimaru seemed displeased with being told what to do, but gave Sakumo mock salutes anyways.

"Sure thing, captain." Sakumo groaned. He was _so_ going to regret this.

 

 

Apparently being lonely _was_ enough to awaken his Sharingan, because when Orochimaru came back, the kid had two tomoe in his red eyes. Sakumo felt very guilty. He had condoned Obito's capture and was responsible for the awakening of his second tomoe. Out of the corner of his eye, Sakumo saw Tobirama stand from his perch on the couch with a stricken look.

"He, he feels like Tōka! And... and _that bastard!_ Izuna, by the Sage, I'll rip you to pieces! You defiled my cousin, and" Tobirama gestured wildly at Obito while yelling at the heavens, "this, _this_ is the result! Poor, poor Tōka, carrying your spawn! I'll invent a way to bring you back, just to kill you myself! You and your family, filthy pigs, the lot of you! This, this child! This innocent child you left behind isn't even liked by your filth!" Tobirama stared directly at Obito, seemed to come to a conclusion, and looked back at the ceiling. "He's a hell of a lot more Senju than you'd like, take that! You know what I'll do, huh?! I'll raise him myself, the Senju way, damn it! Anija might call me unfriendly, but I'm perfectly capable of raising your child! Especially since he's Tōka's!"

To say Sakumo was dumbfounded was an understatement. So Obito was related to Tobirama? What. The only silver lining was that Madara was _not_ Obito's father. Izuna wasn't much better though, being Madara's younger brother and also an infamous pyromaniac. If Tobirama wanted to take custody of Obito, well, Sakumo was quite concerned for his wellbeing. Unfriendly is being kind. Is that an accidental oxymoron if taken out of context?

"Hey! What the hell are you screaming about Izuna for? I knew you foreigners were nothing but trouble!" Uh oh. Tobirama's big mouth got them in trouble. Shit, abort, abort!

"My mother, she was your cousin?" Obito seemed to be in awe, Sharingan fading back to coal black. Tobirama looked at him with a fond look. It kind of creeped Sakumo out. Obito didn't seem to care.

"Yes. Her name is Tōka. I could show you a picture, later, if you'd like?"

"Yes, definitely! Can, can I call you Jiji?" Sakumo frantically looked at Orochimaru. While the family reunion was heartwarming, they _really_ needed to leave. Orochimaru had a constipated expression. He clearly wanted the moment to continue, but if they wanted to escape, they had to leave _now_.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"May.... may I travel with you and your... squad? Please, Jiji?" Well, willingness made kidnapping _so_ much easier. Sakumo supposed it was a plus. Tobirama did too, apparently.

"Of course! But, ah, we kind of need to go, like _now_. Do you need anything?"

"Nuh uh! This is it! Let's go, Jiji!"

 

 

"So, Jiji, are you a Water Nymph?" Tobirama preened at the correct terminology of his species. So he really _was_ a Naiad. A male one.

"Yes, that's correct. How did you know?" Obito flushed in embarrassment. He opened his mouth several times, not speaking a word, trying to collect his thoughts. Finally he spoke.

"Well, Uchiha are human with Dragon ancestry, which is why we're Empaths and Seers. But, um, we can also use fire too. I've always had a hard time with it, and water seemed to suit me more, I guess. I mean, if you're a Water Nymph, so would be my mother, right?" Well, Sakumo knows Obito is not dumb for sure, now. Tobirama looked oddly proud of him, but opened his mouth anyways.

"Well, I am a Water Nymph, but the Senju clan works a bit differently. We all have mixed heritage of Earth Spirits, Water Nymphs, and Wind Faeries. So, because of this, every individual can be born a different species, despite those of our parents. Tōka was a Wind Faerie. I'm guessing you are half Human, half Water Nymph, then. Oh, also, our sister clan, the Uzumaki, are and odd mix of Kitsune, Water Nymph, and Human. They practice onmyodo and are onmyoji." Once Tobirama started to talk about the Uzumaki, he lost Sakumo. Obito looked really, really lost as well. Orochimaru's creepy, creepy eyes twinkled as if he had been let in on a great secret. Oh dear, Sakumo did _not_ want to know.

 

 

They never did find Mikoto, but apparently she broke her husband out of prison and all but disappeared off the face of the earth. At first, Obito and Kakashi did not get along in the slightest. But over the years they seemed to get closer and closer. Close to the point that Sakumo walked in on them and saw something he _never_ wanted to see. When all those years ago, Tobirama and Orochimaru had told him to adopt Obito, Sakumo thought it wasn't a bad idea, but was not going to happen _ever_. Now, even after Tobirama took custody of Obito instead, he was finally joining the family as Sakumo's son-in-law.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea what I was doing, and this is the result. ObiKaka literally just forced its way in here. I had no choice. Well, I don't own the Naruto series. See you next time!


	9. Common Sense

Something a surprising amount of people lack. No really, you don't even have to look it up on your fancy and free video viewing service to find it. It's already there. Hell, you just have to get off your ass, peel away the curtain and look outside. We all have a crazy neighbor. Unless you don't have any neighbors. Lucky you. Unlucky Izuna. He definitely has some crazy neighbors lacking in common sense. Does it reflect badly on him if one of the zonkers is his older brother? Don't get me wrong, Izuna loves his brother very much, but he does have some...  _oddities_. 

Once upon a weekend, back when Madara was still employed, Izuna woke to a horrible screeching noise that just  _would not_  shut up. After trying to go back to sleep maybe only, hmmm, let's see, about _a hundred times_ , Izuna finally plucked his poor ass out of bed,  _sometimes I rip off the sheets with nothing on at all! BUTT NAKED!_ Sorry, Girl Scout songs have ruined me. He wasn't actually naked, I promise. After cussing excessively, totally sleep deprivation induced, Izuna ripped the curtain away from his window and looked. He could never unsee what he had seen. Afterwards, Izuna even claims that his eyes started bleeding, and everything got blurry, as if his brain was trying to make him go blind from the trauma he had experienced. 

There, on their shared lawn, was Madara on his back, attempting to make dirt angels while trying to sing. Oh, he was also wearing nothing but Whitey Tighties. Actually he wasn't. But you didn't need to know that. Oops. Yes, Izuna used to take baths with his brother, but he hadn't seen, nor had the desire to, Madara's willy in a  _long_  time. For refrence, Izuna had  _never_  had the desire to see it. Like, ever. It just sort of fit with the sentence. English is dumb. Or maybe it's just me. Moving on.

Izuna might have brought this event up to Madara eventually if the censored version I just gave you was what really happened. In fact, Madara had been, doing, ya know,  _it_ , with his friend. Madara's friend, not Izuna's. Izuna doesn't have friends. 

Oh, that last paragraph is kind of misleading. Sorry. By doing  _it_ , I mean playing strip poker on the front lawn where anyone could see. While playing Truth or Dare at the same time. With booze.  _Lots and lots of booze_. Izuna knows what public decency is, and he lives by it. Once upon a delusion, Izuna once believed Madara and Hashirama also knew what it was. He was so,  _so_  wrong. 

To make matters worse, Izuna has  _even more_ neighbors lacking in common sense. A few came out of their houses to try and find the source of commotion. They made their way to Izuna's beloved and very drunk brother, stared tiredly, maybe scratched their hairy asses and picked their noses a bit, and sat down to watch. One, Izuna  _swears_  no relation *cough, cough, Sasuke, cough, cough* started taking bets on who would win. Madara, poor, poor Madara, Izuna could never find it in himself to blame him for the.... happenings, got extremely stressed out by the amount of people standing around him. Paranoid bastard. Another, a blonde this time, grabbed the booze and started inhaling it. A woman with a pig stole a bottle away, stared at it, all before holding it upside down and trying to drink from the bottom. 

By that point Izuna was about ready to rip out his eyes. Luckily, Izuna is sane with a healthy dose of common sense. So he covered the window with the curtain. Since he could still hear the screeching, Izuna put in earplugs and managed to fall asleep. He, however, was unfortunately unable to convince himself it was all just an insane nightmare. 


	10. Chthonic I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chthonic is gonna be a mini series.

** SET-UP  **

Izuna was not very happy. His brother, Madara had gotten himself poisoned. Now, this wouldn't matter so much to Izuna if it was curable. How did Madara get poisoned, you're probably wondering? Nothing stupid, like pissing off a Chthonic mage who already hated his guts, oh no.  _Oh_   _yes_. Did you think he didn't? Now Madara was lying on the bank of the old river, awaiting his impending doom. Fortunately for him, Madara had a younger brother who loved him very much. That doesn't mean Izuna wasn't furious at him. To be clear, Izuna was the 'brain' of the two brothers with Madara as the 'brawn'. Obviously Izuna tried every idea he had, even going as far as profusely apologizing to the mage. The mage did in fact accept the apology, but Izuna's only reward was the knowledge of a hit-or-miss cure that wasn't all that credible. Still, if Izuna apologized to save Madara's ass, it wasn't gonna be for nothing. And so, Izuna's journey to the Underworld begins! Oh, you didn't catch on? Don't worry, a lot of people don't know what chthonic means. You're not dumb. Probably. But Madara definitely is.

•∆•∆•∆•

Just kidding. We're still in the set-up stage. No journey yet. Well first of all, Izuna needed to brainstorm. And time. Lots and lots of time. And a god would be nice. After all, living, breathing mortals like Izuna couldn't see the entrance to the Underworld. That was for dead people. And Izuna would very much like to stay alive, please and thank you. Well, who better to ask than Tobirama, the very same mage who poisoned Madara? Yeah, you could say Izuna was running out of ideas.

"Okay. You want me to brainstorm with you? That I can do. But only that. Got it?" Izuna's barely-optimistic mood instantly deflated after hearing Tobirama's words. He didn't have much of a choice though.

"Hhhh. Got it."

"Alright. Ways to get to the Underworld in less than two days. Well, taking a boat across Oceanus is out of the picture. Um. Let's see... Well, I could ask for a favour from Lady Hecate but it would cost you..." Oh dear. Izuna hopes Madara learns his lesson. And maybe start to appreciate what Izuna sacrifices for him as his younger brother.

"If that's your only idea, I'll gladly be in your debt." Tobirama looked super sceptical. But the expression just seriously uglified his pretty-boy face. Izuna tried not to laugh. Tobirama huffed through his nose and said, 

"A favour. Two favours actually." Izuna was only hardly okay with the prospect of owing the early growth of grey hair a  _favour_. But two? Izuna was about ready to flip his shit.

"Why  _two?_ " Izuna poured venom into the latter word. Tobirama glared at him and replied, 

"Because I've decided to come along, that's why, you idiosyncratic Palm oil-covered canola flake." Izuna very much did not like being in Tobirama's company, but held his tongue.  _For Madara_. Through gritted teeth Izuna managed to utter out a, 

" _Fine_." 

And so the Journey finally begins!

•∆•∆•∆•

Lol, only playin'. Well, a journey does begin, but on the other side of the world where Tobirama's cousin Tōka is off escaping her bridezilla-to-be after getting blackout drunk in the local heebee geebies castle (Don't ask. It gets very complicated as I ramble on). Until next time, Izuna Travels to the Center of the Earth!

Sneak Peek:

"Tōka. What are you doing here?"

Oops. That's part III. This is the real deal.

Shrek Peck:

"This is the girls' toilet. Get out."

"Why? He's pretty girly."

"Izuna, did you know you speak in third person? Or did you finally reveal your inner schizophrenia?"

"Tobirama, insult me all you like, but that was offensive."

"To you or schizophrenics?"

 *Sigh* "... Both."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, if ya didn't know, chthonic means, "concerning, belonging to, or inhabiting the underworld".


	11. Chthonic II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Time:
> 
> So, last we left off with Tobirama concluding to ask Hecate, a goddess with ties to entrances, for a favour. In return, Izuna owes him two favours, because Tobirama decides to join him in his adventure to the Underworld. So, the journey begins. (Finally!)

**Izuna Travels to the Center of the Earth**

**(Almost)**

_P.S. —Try to use the correct toilet. You might just piss off a goddess of you don't. Maybe even literally._

 "Damn it. Can't you just magic her here? Sparkle, sparkle, poof, poof, Tobirama's a doof?" Izuna was tired of searching maps for three crossroads within a walkable distance while Tobirama chased a dog around. Really. Izuna glanced over his shoulder to see that Tobirama had finally recaptured the dog. He stood completely still, with a stricken expression.  _Oh no_.

 "Don't tell me we were wasting our time." Tobirama turned to look at him, shaking his head.

 "No," he managed to squeak out , "It seems she's magicked herself here." Oh dear. Izuna noticed her very quickly. She didn't look to pleased.

•∆•∆•∆•

 "This is a sacred site. Leave." Tobirama was  _crow food_.

"Um, yes, right away!"  _What?_ Tobirama was  _completely_  spineless.

 "Why? We haven't done anything. We'll leave if we have, but you'd have to tell us. Tobirama can be a handful." Tobirama sent him a panicked,  _are you crazy_  look. He hissed quietly,

"Oi!"

Hecate looked taken aback. She fidgeted weirdly and blushed. She still managed in a scathing voice,

 "This is the site of an ancient bathroom! This is the girls' toilet. Get out!" Seriously? If she was going to waste his time, Izuna was going to waste hers.

"Why? He's pretty girly."

"Izuna, did you know you speak in the third person? Or have you finally revealed your inner schizophrenia?"

 "Tobirama, insult me all you like, but that was offensive."

"To you or schizophrenics?" Izuna sighed. He  _just said,_  'insult me all you like ', didn't he? 

"...Both." Might as well give him the satisfaction, right? Maybe he would lessen the favours.

Hecate appeared amused. She coughed to get their attention. Their heads whipped towards her.

"Why are you here, mortals? You were calling on me, yes?" Izuna and Tobirama nodded their heads frantically . 

"Yes, yes! We were, we were... Um. Sorry Lady, this is awkward... Tobirama this is your fault! You tell her!" Tobirama scoffed but said, 

"Hail, Lady Hecate, goddess of magic, entryways,  and crossroads! We have come to you for guidance. We are in search of a cure to *Kounoupído Akrochódon in the Underworld. Can you show us the way?" 

Hecate giggled. She spoke with a giggle in her voice,

"Which one of you has it?" Oh no. She didn't —

 "Neither of us! It's his brother, that bastard!" Hecate started laughing hysterically. After what seemed like an eternity, she  _finally_  stopped laughing, wiping the tears from her face. 

 "Y-yes. I can show you. Just for making me laugh harder than I have in centuries. Come, step in front of me." Izuna and Tobirama obeyed. Hecate reached forward and touched their brows.

 "Close your eyes." Her hands, larger than any mortals', rested on their eyelids. She chanted, words of power in the language of the gods that Izuna couldn't discern. Perhaps Tobirama had an idea of what she was saying. Her warm hands left, and her voice called out,

 "Open your eyes," she made sure that they did before turning around, "Follow me." Izuna and Tobirama followed.

 •∆•∆•∆•

Next time, we discover just what exactly Tōka has been doing. Stay tuned for more posts!

 *Cauliflower Wart (lol). It's just an STD (Genital Warts). Yes, Tobirama got pissed at Madara, so he used magic to give him an STD.

Shrek Peck:

 "Tōka. What are you doing here?"

 "It's a  _long_  story, prettiest boy-cousin of mine."

 "I think we'll get along  _just fine_."


	12. Divine Interfeces

Itachi was having a nice day. He was spending time with his girlfriend and younger brother in a dango shop. It was sunny out, almost hot, but a cool breeze seemed to sweep through every time the heat became noticeable. Birds were chirping jolly tunes, and flowers were blooming. Picture perfect.

Until it wasn't.

It started with his cousin and his two best friends. Obito, Kakashi, and Rin. The three of them were an unlikely trio full of contradictions. Itachi's cousin, Obito, was an ex-terrorist, Kakashi was a National Guard, and Rin was a doctor for the military. Between the three of them, a Korean crime drama would seem almost plausible.

Now, everyone in Konoha knew that if you saw the three of them together, something was going to go very, _very_ wrong. Itachi knew that the moment the trio walked into the dango shop, his nice day was over. Not that they did anything other than scare the shit out of everyone by buying dango and leaving. Itachi knew his perfect day was over, but he hadn't known it would crash and burn until his cousin and his companions looked him straight in the eyes as they walked out. They were smiling in a genial way, as if they hadn't just damned his soul. When they waved to him in unison, Itachi knew once and for all, he was a dead man. 

That was the last he saw them for the rest of the day. Behind him, Itachi was pretty sure his girlfriend, Izumi, was close to tears while his little brother, Sasuke, was bawling his seven-year-old eyes out. Strangers came up to him, offering pats on the back, and even talismans for good luck. Deep down, they all knew it was for naught. Itachi had been cursed by those smiling eyes and happy waves. 

 

Later that day, the most evil, vengeful crow from hell shat on him. 

On his mouth.

While it was open.


	13. Intelligence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, if you're not into Star Trek, you might not get this one.

It was a typical day at the Uchiha Compound. Flammable spit balls, name calling, stabbing, and so on. Perfectly ordinary. Well, to the Uchiha inhabitants, of course, but to outsiders? Not so much. Maybe it was the way nobody smiled, talked, or walked. Maybe it was the way they grinned, bloodthirsty and arrogant. Maybe it was the way they screamed and screeched and howled. Maybe it was the way they skipped around childishly or ran for their lives. Maybe. It was a pretty normal day, all things considered. Until came one Captain James T. Kirk and his First Officer Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise. 

 "Captain, this is uncharted territory. Follow the Prime Directive."

 "Yes, Mr. Spock, if I needed a reminder I would have said so."

 "One can never be too cautious in regards to the memory of middle-aged human men."

 "Why, Mr. Spock, if I didn't know better, I would've thought you were insulting me."

"Vulcans do not lie, Captain."

 "M—" 

 _FWOOSH!_ A giant fireball decided to be nosey and snoop in on their conversation, sadly forgetting the very important _stealth_ factor. 

 "Jim! Are you alright?"

 "I'm fine Spock, you?"

 "Fine has variable definitions, fine is not a suffici—"

 "I am well, Spock. Are _you_ alright?"

 "Affirmative, Captain."

 "Good. What do you suppose that was?"

 Spock raised his eyebrow patronizingly. "Fire, Captain. Has your age affected your senses as well?"

 Jim just rolled his eyes. "Should we investigate, Mr. Spock?" 

"With utmost prudence, Captain."

 

***

 

It was chaos. Kids and adults alike, screaming bloody murder, were playing an unfortunate game of Kancho. 

 "It's amazing how some games are just universal, isn't it Mr. Spock?"

 "Indee—!" Spock stopped suddenly. "Captain," he paused, looking at a loss for words, "It appears an alien adolescent has stuck their middle and index phalanges up my anus. Should this be considered a hostile action?"

Jim laughed his ass off, shaking his head no, right up until _he_  acquired some newfound phalanges in his ass. He managed to hiss out in pain,

 "Affirmative, Mr. Spock!" 

 They both took out their communicators, yelling in unison,

 "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" 


	14. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby trash lesbian has to marry elegant straight girl.
> 
>  
> 
> Bet you didn't see this one coming, huh?

 

Uchiha Takeko never thought she was going to get married. Being attracted to women made marriage difficult when the joining of two females was so rare. Sure, she could always marry a dude, but why on Earth would she want do that? It's not like she had to, she wasn't anywhere near the line of succession. Still, if Takeko ever did get married, she figured she would treat the gal right. She'd listen, be absolutely faithful, honest, helpful, and Takeko would refrain from making _too_ many promises because she'd make good on every single one, no matter the cost. She would be the best damn traditional husband, despite her gender and sex.

Uchiha Takeko also never thought she'd marry another girl in an arranged marriage. With a Senju, nonetheless. But here she was, just married to Senju Asako, _Senju Hashirama's_ _only sister._  Granted, she looked much more like Tobirama, what with her silver white hair. Takeko didn't know they even _had_ a sister. The marriage was specifically for bringing the clans closer without child custody issues or mixed kekkai genkai. Reasonable, except Takeko was pretty sure Asako _wasn't attracted to women_. And the no children thing. Takeko always wanted kids, so this was kind've a bummer. Asako was infertile, probably one of the reasons she was marrying Takeko and not some man from another clan. Takeko didn't know if Asako ever wanted kids.

To be honest, Takeko didn't know much about Asako. She was demure, pretty, quiet, and obedient—the perfect trophy wife. Asako probably thought she was to end up with no voice, forever obeying her spouse. Too bad. Takeko wasn't going to do things that way. Sure, she never meant to marry Asako, but she's still her wife. Takeko would always take care of her, but she'd also always lend an ear or hand for Asako whenever she needed it. Takeko would let her have hobbies, a say in the finance, a job if she wanted one, and she'd be let in on every major decision. Most importantly, Asako would have Takeko's word. 

***

Takeko and Asako don't talk much, but they do occasionally hold very important discussions. Takeko learned that at twenty-five, Asako had only ever been attracted to men, and has never once looked at a woman. They agreed to be friends though, despite the ingrained rivalry of their clans and frankly unnecessary marriage. They get along well, and have a habit of grabbing the other's hand. Takeko teaches Asako about financial management and other practical skills for when Takeko is unable to do them. In turn, Asako teaches Takeko how to make tea, to cook, calligraphy and eventually fuinjutsu. Their relationship is, to the great surprise and relief of everyone, exceptionally functional. Asako gets the items in the high cupboards and Takeko gets those in the low sort of thing.

Now, because you didn't know, Asako is the taller of the two at a slim 5'4 and Takeko at a stocky, burly shouldered 5'0. Takeko thinks Asako's snow white skin, silver hair, and obsidion eyes make her look like a spirit. Not that Asako would particularly care to say it aloud, but she thinks Takeko's coarse hair, short and stocky build, coal black eyes, and farmer's tan are all charming. Both appreciate the other's quiet-like nature. They soon become best friends, revelling in their shared silence.

***

It takes Asako a year to learn to simply ask Takeko for favors. Takeko builds her a porch and a garden and a greenhouse and fishing pole. Takeko just asks for Asako to be honest, her friend, and to always smile and listen in return. It takes Takeko two years to learn that she too can ask for favours. It takes three for them to trust each other completely, enough for Asako to admit she always wanted children. Takeko doesn't say it, but she silently promises Asako a legitimate, biological child.

***

Takeko calls on the help of her brother-in-law, Tobirama, to fulfill her unspoken promise to Asako. It takes a whole two years of their combined intellectual prowess to come up with a way, despite Tobirama's protests that Takeko and Asako were supposed to have an heirless marriage. But Takeko will always make good on promises to Asako.

***

They've never celebrated their birthdays, but Takeko gives Asako a gift anyways. The chance to become a mother. Quietly, Asako says that she couldn't think of anyone rather than Takeko she'd want as the father of her children. Their marriage hasn't curbed the tensions between the Uchiha and the Senju, and they've been told to cut it off numerous times, but Takeko and Asako are always faithful to each other, despite not being romantically involved. They slowly fade into the background of Konoha, overshadowed by the betrayal of Madara. They have a boy and a girl, and parenting comes surprisingly naturally, with Asako as Okaa-chan and Takeko as Otou-chan. When the kids are born, Takeko realizes she's been in love with Asako for years. She loves as only Uchiha can, and it hurts knowing that Asako could never love her that way. It hurts, but it doesn't cripple her. Takeko never says anything about it. After all, they've always shared life in silence.

*** 

Over the years Asako grew out of her trophy wife manners, cutting her hair short and close to the scalp, becoming an avid fisher, and trading her kimonos for overalls and yukatas. Takeko figured she had enough hair for the both of them. They came to sleep in the same bed, the arrangement being more comfortable and space-conservative. When Takeko wakes from nightmares of battles long dead, Asako is there to soothe her back to sleep. Asako, as they say women always are, gets cold easily and hogs the blankets, though Takeko is sometimes grateful, as being warm all the time makes sweating profusely inevitable. Takeko usually wakes up first and feels all of her quota of hurt from unrequited love for the day, dismissing it all once Asako wakes up. It's a nice life, and Takeko wouldn't change it for the world.

***

Takeko understands that Asako never really got to have a relationship with her brothers once Hashirama died and Asako didn't even bat an eye. In fond memory of her younger brothers, may they rest in peace, Takeko makes a point to invite Tobirama to dinner whenever she can. She thinks they both appreciate it, though Tobirama and Asako never quite connect. At least they're able smile and wave hands at each other when they pass by on the streets.

***

When Tobirama dies, Asako and the children are distressed, and Takeko wonders if making them spend time together was the right thing to do. Takeko remembers the antics of her four younger brothers and knows that those memories are important, and holding onto them is the best and only thing to do.

***

The years drag on, war after war, and Takeko is amazed that she still has more black hair than silver and that Asako only has very faint stress lines and prominent crows feet around her eyes. Their children are growing up, and they do so _so fast_. It seems only a week ago that little Shin and Sakuko were in diapers. It's so strange that she would kill for these Senjus, when in the past she would slaughter them in a heartbeat. She knows why she was chosen to marry Asako. Madara felt indebted, for he killed her brother closest in age to obtain his Mangekyō Sharingan. He knew Takeko liked women, and that Asako was probably as close as she was ever going to get. In a way, Takeko is grateful her brother was killed. In a very small, rather depressing way. Asako was the light of her life, and she would do anything for her. She only wishes Asako was capable of caring for her as Takeko did her.

***

One day, years after the last war, Asako wakes up with a face full of Takeko's thick, coarse black hair all mangled from sleep and wonders when she fell in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobi's like, Dude, the whole point of y'all gettin' hitched was so that ya didn' have kids. Takeko's all, Nah man, what the wife wants, the wife gets.
> 
> This is really an excuse to write about turning straight girls gay. But like, not 'cuz Asako isn't a lesbian, just Takekosexual.


	15. From All Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's angsty.

Izuna had always been more, _known_ more than his brothers. He was, undeniably, the youngest of the five, but he often felt like the long-suffering firstborn. It was as though he had been molded with the knowledge of life's intricacies, Izuna couldn't help but want to protect and coddle his older brothers from all things harsh. Difficult, in this time of war and rivalry, and Izuna was unable to save three. Madara, however, was a different story.

Izuna didn't know how Madara stayed so naïve over the years, but he was glad for it. Izuna would never let him know of the true repulsiveness of the world. Inevitable it was that Madara learn of cruelty, but he possessed what Izuna lacked—hope. When their brothers, mother, and other family members died, Madara's eyes shined with tears, yes, but also with hope. Izuna only ever wanted to keep it there, for his brother to have a good life.

When Madara gained the Sharingan at eleven, Izuna was torn between happy pride and saddened guilt. Madara could protect himself better with it but... he had been hurt. And it was Izuna's fault. The event had stung worse than any Lightening Release. A necessary step backwards, but a step backwards all the same. Madara admitted that his idle dreams of peace were impossible and childish to Izuna, and he even thanked him for putting an end to them. Izuna never wanted that.

Victory was bittersweet.

 

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

 

Izuna, for the most part, succeeded in his goal of keeping Madara innocent over the years. But his own innocence went down the drain when he was fifteen and met Satake Asahi. Izuna met Asahi, who was crying and dying at the time, in a civilian caravan Izuna was relying on to escape the Senju. Izuna was an Uchiha through and through and, as is the fate of Uchiha, he stumbled and fell in love. With just one look into Asahi's ocean blues, Izuna quickly patched him up and commandeered his covered wagon. 

It was close, but Izuna managed to steer those beasts of burden away from the incoming Senju. They learned things about each other on the road, like how Asahi was also a shinobi, one who was escaping the Senju after they destroyed his clan and all five of his sisters's lives. Izuna, completely taken with this emotional shinobi in a civilian caravan, couldn't help but reveal who he was. Asahi, bless his exhausted state, only laughed mirthlessly at his own misfortune. Izuna liked Asahi's quiet and breathless laugh, humorless though it was. Izuna, tired of being entirely responsible for his brother's wellbeing, felt relieved that he didn't _need_ to hide Asahi away from the world. The thought caught Izuna off gaurd, having only known Asahi for a few hours, but it made him form a small, genuine smile. 

Their romance wasn't fireworks and flames, but secret and deep, and it burned all the same. 

 

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

 

At sixteen, nearly seventeen, Izuna eased his control over Madara's life, letting him trip and fall, but still never letting him see what else was in the pit. Asahi had become an honorary member of the Uchiha, and Izuna, the lovesick fool, trusted him with his life. So when he found out that Asahi was really a sleeping agent, Izuna was completely heartbroken right down to his very core. Nobody needed to know if this betrayal. Especially Madara, who couldn't imagine his little brother's judgement as anything but infallible. Izuna fabricated a reason for killing Asahi.

Mangekyou.

In the Eastern Forest, Izuna once again let his hands slip from Madara's eyes. Madara had to be strong. Madara would kill their unknowing cousin and Izuna would kill Asahi. Izuna, no matter how protected and safe he felt with Asahi, was under no illusion that Asahi even stood a molecular chance against him. This murder would require little to no physical exertion of any sort. As he neared the other boy's solitary position, Izuna's traitorous chakra cried out for Asahi—it pleaded to be held by him in the way it had always done. Izuna sprung on Asahi, whispering a broken, _I loved you_.

Asahi knew his end was near and inevitable, so he let himself be pinned to the forest floor. His eyes, such a deep blue Izuna thought he might drown in them, were sad. Izuna choked up, knowing Asahi hated the world as much as he did. Asahi spoke quietly, just as he always had, his last words being,

"Maybe, in another world, we could have been."

Izuna only had one thing to say to his lover's corpse when he was buried.

 

_I still love you._

 

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

 

Izuna was the shadow at Madara's side, who turned his cheek and closed his eyes for him. The leash was tightened, and when they shared those rare moments alone, Izuna instinctively brought his brother to his lap and rested his hands on Madara's face, hiding it from the world.

Izuna was against the peace the Senju offered, he knew how it would turn out in the end. Not after long, the entire Uchiha Clan would end up dead. It was no secret that they were weaker than their rivals. He could not bear the thought of Madara's hope-glistening eyes becoming dark and clouded like his own. Neither did he dare think about what would happen should he die before Madara.

People didn't seem to realize how ridiculously strong Izuna was. The biting memories of Asahi made him refrain from using the Mangekyou, but even without it, Izuna was more than able to keep up with Madara and Senju Tobirama. So, in all fairness, Izuna was reasonably convinced he wouldn't die before he and Madara were both old. 

Funny how things never seem to go to plan.

 

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

 

Izuna was seventeen, dying, and had only ever wanted to keep his older brother from all things that hurt. Nearly a year later, Asahi's words continued to haunt Izuna.

 "Maybe, in another world, we could have been."

The thought of death being another world weakened Izuna's will to live. With Izuna gone, Madara would be subject to the filth of it all, totally unprepared. It might've been better that way—Izuna took out his eyes for his brother to see through. Madara's eyes and hope would remain pure, and Izuna would be able to protect him even after dying. 

In the face of death, Izuna could only smile, never once considering that his own cynical view could ever corrupt his brother's hope. 

Victory is bittersweet, isn't it?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asahi is spelt 光皐陽, which means Ray of Light on The Shore.
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, like, I know that Izuna died when he was 24, but he just.
> 
> Fetus face. 
> 
> Really.


	16. Ootsutsuki ≠ Uchiha, Ootsutsuki ≠ Uzumaki, Ootsutsuki ≠ Hyuuga, Ootsutsuki ≠ Senju

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we have. this

* * *

 

Kaguya really just wanted to spend time with her girlfriend. She doesn't know how, but her extended, like, 50 times removed family got a hold of her address and invited her to a family reunion at Konoha Park. She told Aino about it, complaining about her crazy relatives, but her girlfriend just smiled and told her to suck it up, they were going. Something about _blood money_ and the like. 

Kaguya really doesn't appreciate the Uchiha part of her family. She can remember growing up and going to family reunions and the Uzumaki and Hyuuga constantly putting out fires the Uchiha had started. The Senju and Uchiha's ridiculous rivalry. Kaguya is fine with just the distant Ootsutsuki and Aino's family. Besides, Tenji, Aino's brother, and Kaguya make a _mean_ baking team.

Alas, Aino is forcing Kaguya to attend _and_  bring food. Gee wiz. 

 

*

 

"Kaguya-hime, is that you? My, look how you've grown!" Kaguya scowled. By the gods, not that _accursed_ nickname, Kaguya isn't three anymore! Aino swats the back of her head, making her earrings jingle.

" _Be nice_." Kaguya squints and scrunches her nose, hoping that Aino finds her mug too unattractive to be seen in public. Aino laughs and pinches her cheek, calling her adorable. Mission failed. Kaguya pouts at her lightly before halfheartedly waving back at... goodness, Kaguya doesn't remember his name. She's pretty sure he's Tajima's, the only Uchiha she got along with even as a child, dad. Actually, Kaguya doesn't think she's ever known his name.

"Yeah. Me. Kaguya." The man smiles, hands still flailing about.

"Mmm, and who is this? Is she your friend?" His face turned dark, loudly whispering, "Is she a _Senju_? She looks like a Senju. "

Kaguya, even louder, says, "No. Not Senju. My girlfriend." Tajima's dad reels back, surprised.

"Oh. T-that's. That's fine. Tajima's son is, well, at least we're _pretty_ sure...."

"Tajima has kids now?"

"Oh yes! The gay one, Madara is a complete failure, uh, not because of that. Um, sorry. He likes a _Senju,_ you see _._ That's really the problem. But little Izuna is toddling perfection! He's just like Tajima when he was that age. The absolute cutest!"

 "Oh. A Senju. How... disappointing." Kaguya states, unenthusiastic and bland. Aino shakes her head at Kaguya's manners.

 "Yes! Completely unreasonable! Tajima expresses his own disappointment to me every day. I'm glad I never knew the pain of having a child who's," he paused to make a disgusted face, crowing out the next phrase, " _besotted_ with a _Senju_." Kaguya was quiet, inspecting her black stiletto fingernails. They hadn't chipped yet, which was odd as she had just played basketball with Aino's cousins the day before. Aino looked at her and smiled. It wasn't a scary or threatening smile, just a ' _I'm happy we're here together_ ' smile that made Kaguya want to do and be better.

So, with much trepidation, Kaguya responds to the old man with, "Mm. How old are they?" He smiled, pleased with the curiosity in his family. Goodness, Uchiha were vain.

"Well, Madara is six and little Izuna is two. Ah, you know that Senju, Batsuma? His kid, _Hashirama_ , is the one Madara likes. He's... seven? All I know is he's got the _lamest_ hair and outfits. Honestly, for such a little diva, Madara's got _seriously_ bad taste." Kaguya, five years younger than Tajima, can't imagine having a kid at her own age of nineteen. She can remember Batsuma, the moody middleschooler who liked to tease Momoshiki about his pigtails, and can only picture him with kids with no fashion sense. Momoshiki's pigtails were _so_ cute on him as a toddler. 

 "Oh, I see. Where's the food supposed to go? Me and Aino brought dumplings."

"Oh, that's right! Aino, was it? It's so nice to meet you! My name is Indra, I've known Kaguya and her brothers since she was a little girl. We haven't had a chance to catch up for a very long time, forgive me. Right this way, girls."

What a _pain_ this reunion was turning out to be.

 

*

 

Kaguya and Aino avoided the Uchiha for the rest of the reunion after the third E-Z Up caught on fire, opting to sit on the blacktop and brush Madara's and Izuna's hair and hand-feed a one-year-old Kagami chopped-up dumplings. The whole thing ended with Uncle Indra and Uncle Asura drunkenly bragging about their grandchildren, Izuna and Tōka respectively, while ignoring the sirens of firefighters.

Good thing the entire police force was made up of Uchiha, or they'd all be in jail. As Aino always says, 'little miracles in the mud'.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *me, milking tags for publicity*
> 
>  
> 
> I know the Kaguya Clan descends from the Ootsutsuki as well, but this about Kaguya so... confusing
> 
> Also, isn't posting about lesbians on Sunday a sin?
> 
>  
> 
> ...guess i'll die
> 
> We should have a new installment of the Chthonic series pretty soon. We'll see.


	17. Chthonic III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Ariana Grande's song, Breathing

**The Entryway Almost Entered**

_P.S. Don't_ ever _let your local lesbian know about your brother's magically lethal and transferred STD. Just don't. It's a really bad idea._

"I will leave you now as you near the entrance. Upon reaching the threshold, mortals, it is important that you place coins under your tongue. Charon is a greedy ferryman." Tobirama nodded, like it was perfectly acceptable for super-powerful goddesses to half-ass their endorphin-debts. Tobirama turned to Izuna, raising an eyebrow expectantly,

 "Well, Izuna?" He held his hand out. "The coins?"

"... I only have chocolate ones. Do you think Charon has a sweet tooth?" Really, honest to gods, it wasn't Izuna's fault he was fresh out of gold coins and that the closest substitute were those foil-wrapped chocolate ones. Really. Madara had spent all their denaro on twenty different shades of purple nail polish before the... incident.

Tobirama was _not_ impressed.

"Good grief." Tobirama muttered under his breath, pointing Izuna a glare that had no business making him anxious. And when Izuna got anxious, he got angry. Izuna tended to explode when he was angry. Horrible combination, that.

" _This is YOUR FAULT!_ YOU _COULDN'T CONTROL YOUR DAMN MAGIC! NOW_ MY BROTHER'S _GOT A. LETHAL. FUCKING. STD!_ "

Izuna inhaled sharply, continuing on in a much quieter voice and mostly to himself,

"I'm never going to see him panic about white hairs and wrinkles. The fear in his eyes when he finds out purple no longer looks good on him. Him being dramatic about how much he'd ' _really, by the gods Izuna_ ' like to eat. He's gonna die in _agony_." Izuna looked Tobirama right in the eyes. "For once, something isn't my fault. But this time my brother's going to die. _And it's on_ your _head._ "

Tobirama, the heartless bastard, only had the decency to look very mildly chastised. After Izuna shoved two chocolate coins into Tobirama's still-waiting hand, they ventured on in silence.

 

•∆•∆•∆•

 

Izuna's impromptu tirade left him sluggish and tired, and if Madara's life didn't depend on this journey, Izuna would've taken a cat nap. As it were, Madara's life _did_ depend on this trip, and he stayed alert by listening to Tobirama's voice muttering to himself, probably trying to calculate the last digit of pi.

"One favor." Tobirama's statement reached Izuna's ears clearly.

"What _now_?"

"No, I'm lessening it. Just one favor." His arms squirmed in their crossed position, "Sorry. For antagonizing you. I... it's a sort of guilty pleasure of mine. I guess. Sorry about this whole thing. Don't get me wrong, your brother _is_ an asshole but... just... Sorry." Tobirama paused, wincing as if apologizing physically hurt. "Truce?" He asked.

Izuna nodded, knowing that Tobirama was really Madara's only chance. And he kind of missed their meaningless banter, not that he'd ever say.

 "Truce."

 

•∆•∆•∆•

 

"Tōka. What are you doing here?" Izuna didn't know who this lady was, but she was a triangle he definitely didn't want to measure. Her clothes were stained green—presumably from the blood of the many beasts at her feet. 

"It's a  _long_  story, prettiest boy-cousin of mine." _She_ was related to _spineless, crow food_ Tobirama? No way! _And_ she called Tobirama 'prettiest boy-cousin'? Perfect! 

"I think we'll get along  _just fine_."

 

•∆•∆•∆•

 

"...so when I finally come to, there's this rocking-ass redhead next to me claiming to be my fianceé. I, of course, as normal people do, reacted with extreme grace and promptly through up in her lap. I still can't remember what happened that night, so I had a _killer_ hangover. Which, I still have for your information, and that's actually why... "

 

•∆•∆•∆•

 

"...once I find out she's a fucking harpy, I'm all, 'Gee Tōka, how did you ever think dating bird ladies was a good idea?' Don't make that face Tobirama, I'm _still_ asking myself. Which brings us here, because I really have no idea what's happening in my life one hundred percent of the time and I'm pretty sure neither will you. Like, I'm Hashi's diplomat one day, and the next I end up in the Underworld with this golden bough I got off from an ex who owes me a solid. Apparently she's some super virgin of the moon now. Like, _we all know that's bul–_ "

"SHUT UP!" Izuna, rethinking all his life choices for ever even considering he'd actually get along with any Senju this caliber of complete disaster, is surprisingly unsurprised when Tobirama breaks first and shouts at Tōka.

Tōka blinked. Then she nodded conspiratorially, saying,

"Right. Sure. By the way, _what_ are _you_ doing here Tobirama? Who's the boy-toy?" Izuna, so extremely offended, could only gasp and put his right hand on his chest. Tobirama grit his teeth, muttering out a,

 "I'm not telling. _Izuna is not my boy-toy_." This time Tōka gasped, covering a grin with both her hands.

"Oh, _Tobi_. I didn't know you were in a serious relationship! I wouldn't've told Hashi, honest!" Izuna hid behind his hands. The imagery was _scarring._

Tobirama breathlessly coughed out a weak, "No, no, _no_. Tōka, _no_. I-we- _never_." Tōka raised a brow, scoffing.

"Whatever," she winked, stage whispering, " _I ship it_."

"Oh my gods, can we _please_ just get on with this stupid journey? Like, my brother's going to _die,_ and we'll still be here to save his soul by!"

Tōka stopped teasing after that.

" _Die_? Hold up, what's happened? What do you guys need to do? I'd help."

"Kounoupído Akrochódon, To–"

"Kounoupído Akrochódon?  _Kounoupído Akrochódon?_ That's, that's hilarious! Oh gods, I-i, I might just die as well! Who'd he get it from, huh, huh? And how's it gonna _kill_ him, I need all the juicy details!"

Izuna might just hate this scalene triangle of a Senju. Really.

 

 •∆•∆•∆•

 

Shrek Peck:

Tōka voiced the single question all of them had. 

"How did that hetero _heathen_ get and STD? Don't you like, have to get laid for that or something? Oh gods, was he the _first_ to have it? Excuse my poor dialectical skills, but fucking _eww_! How did that _even spread_? Whoever willingly slept with that guy was an absolute _nast_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My only response to Ariana is  
>  
> 
> _of course I'll keep breathing, it's an involuntary action, I'm not a fucking dolphin_


	18. To Fly Blindly On the Wind

  It's Izuna's birthday today. Madara is excited, he's always enjoyed celebrating the miraculous day his little brother came into the world. Izuna is turning 14, so he'll be able to learn the highly advanced fire jutsu now, and Madara will of course be the one to teach him. But first, Madara collects his little brother into a hug and wishes him well, following their secret tradition.

  "Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday, dear Izuna..."

  A sharp intake of breath echoes off the rock walls.

  "Happy birthday to you!"

  Madara pulls back to find a horrified look on Izuna's face. Madara smiles at him warmly, exaggerating the many wrinkles on his skin. Madara runs his shriveled, bony hand through Izuna's shoulder-length mane. 

  They'll make it through this worthless Shinobi world together.


	19. Valentines Day Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't normally update this fic so fast, but it's Valentines, so
> 
> Kakashi:15  
> Obito: 15-16

Obito doesn't have calluses. Sure, he wears gloves, but Kakashi has seen him train without them. Even Rin, the one who handles weapons the least, has calluses. It doesn't make sense—it's not like Obito doesn't train enough (though his performance and technique would have you think so), he just doesn't have them.

It's also not like Kakashi stares at Obito's hands every time they're unclothed, because he _doesn't_. Obito's heels and ankles aren't callused either, despite the cheap material his sandals are made of. And Kakashi _definitely_ doesn't stare at _those_ either.

They're just so... angular. Kunai, that is. Yes, of course. That.

 

♥•♥•♥

 

Those cheek bones and eyelashes. Oh wow, Obito is damn pretty. But also manly. His jawline and shoulders are pure man. It's not attraction, _absolutely not_ , but a simple observation. Kakashi can appreciate aesthetically pleasing people without being... _interested_ them, right?

Actually, this one doesn't sound suspiciously like denial. But it's Obito, the ugliest person in the planet. Not because of his scars, but because Obito is Obito. So he has to be ugly. Not pretty. Ew. 

 

♥•♥•♥

 

Rin wants Kakashi to help her plan a surprise party for Obito's birthday. Which was four days ago. Kakashi isn't sure she knows that, but he also isn't sure if she's sane, what with setting up a surprise party two hours before you hold it. 

"Alright, so you come in late with the roses, got it?"

"You've only said a million times."

"What was that?"

"...Got it."

"Good. Now, Kushina-nee..."

Kakashi tunes them out.

 

♥•♥•♥

 

Oh gods, this is so embarrassing. Not only is everyone watching him present Obito with roses on _Valentines_ , but Kakashi hadn't realized he was set up until this very moment.

Obito's looking at him funny, like the way he used to look at Rin. It makes Kakashi's stomach cramp up sporadically. They're both blushing, and Kakashi has never been so thankful of his mask before now.

_CLICK!_

The flash of a camera goes off. Kushina is giggling, being the makeshift photographer. Minato is clapping in that innocent-sunshine-child way that practically begs Kakashi to punch his face in. Except he can't because he's holding Obito's flowers.

Kakashi looks straight into Obito's eye, trying to communicate his intentions. Obito gives a miniscule smirk, one so small that Kakashi would have missed it if he hadn't been searching desperately. Obito reaches for the flowers with a seemingly bashful look and everyone coos.

The flowers burst with life, twisting and chasing the crowd with their thorns. Kakashi, ever respectful, settles for slapping Minato's wrist before he too is caught in the overgrown rose bush. Kakashi picks up the forgotten camera and snaps a picture. Perfect blackmail.

Obito looks over his shoulder, bouquet wrappings still in hand, humming approvingly at the photo of Minato tangled in red roses, centimeters from certain death by thorn.

This is probably Kakashi's favourite holiday yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcannon = asexual Kakashi who can appreciate porn
> 
>  
> 
> Also Obito's ankles


End file.
